Tweedlee Dee, Tweedlee Numb

Religion....................my ass!!!

2008-10-07T01:18:00.000-07:00

It's a weird feeling to have; flattery! I was quite flattered being hit on by someone yesterday. Makes you feel special, wanted and significant once again. like all sane human beings, we all seek some form of acknowledgement. I do it through trying to be the best at what i do, which hasn't been that successful in the past couple of years. I have experienced a new burst of purpose in my life with school. The excitemnt of learning something new, the challenge of finding the intrinsic meaning of things and life. ah! Life,...is what you make it they say. Maybe so, but at times it just gets exhausting. Friendship and human relationships exhaust me. I want to run away to drown my obligations of human interraction.A good friend tells me that we were created to worship God. why would you have people conceive, be brought into this earth to worship you, isn't that just plain selfish manipulation. I am tired of the so called quest for life, deeper meaning of who you are. what is good and what is not. Why can't it all end. Every human on their own, every 6 billion of us in the planet finding our own place to settle, no one aloud to conceive or bear children. Just let the population stagnate. I just feel it is a waste of time bringing people to earth to just be destined to worship God. That's selfishness and abuse of humanity. Why the hell was i made to be here. i find it so unfair, it's not right to subject any creaure to violence, confusion, racial discrimination and other crap that arise from misconstrued cultural understanding. Once again it is said that our differences are deliberate by God, as in............................what is this some sickening nightmare called a conspiracy theory that a supernatural being gets kicks out of! what a waste!!!

What to say!!

2008-08-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am emotionally exhausted and loving Usher right now. The one song that just speaks to my heart right now;Moving mountains. I feel better, that however doesn't chnage the fact that i want to move out. I feel indebted to my siblings. All the sacrifices that they have made..... but i honestly feel like the parent at times, in more ways than one. Not that they are retarded or lazy, it's just that i have been blessed and i feel like it is me to make the way for them God...God help me............you know what? I'm done here!!! This is just more stress trying to type out how i am feeling right now.

Here come the power hungry retartded watchies!!!!!!!

2008-07-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

You see the annoying thing about giving people with low self esteem positions of power is they automatically abuse it.
For example, at the office since My pal and i set foot through the door, the guards had it in for us. This is not paranoia. You say hi to them, they ignore you, then the next thing, we were constantly being searched. It was meant to be random searching, but that never happened, for us it was clockwork, checked going in and stepping out. Then we spoke the security manager, who then made it clear to them being rude and harassing people shouldn't be the role they play, people actually come to work, not to be harrased. The thick people that they are,instead of randomly checking us, even when we present our wares end up snobbing us in protest. After months of that, today they have arisen!!!I'm hungry and cold having a nice hot cup of tea and queen cakes and one retarded talking guard walks up to my desk, and just starts "you refused to be searched and now you are eating, i will report you." I just looked at her as she spoke and walked away. What should i say, a round of applause to the confident and courageous guard,who faced the forces of evil to save, to save, to save.....? to save what? This is just ridiculous, security guards need to have a certain level of intelligence. The primitive lot need to go through a degree course or form of concetration camp to get their conduct right.I hate abrasive behaviour that has no grounds.
Irritating me in the morning, it just get's to me that i can't just get to work, work and leave without being harassed by some shallow minded twat!!!
Have a watchman free day won't you!

Fresh and ready to go

2008-07-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

It was a restful weekend, was definitley worth it! I slept through most of Saturday, woke up at some point and eased into a book, snacked and listened to the very best of Eric Wainaina and Atemi. Amazing music, you need to get your own copy of Atemi's "Hatimaye" and Eric's "Sawa Sawa" and "Twende Twende" albums.
Sunday was pretty great, traumatic; had to be up by 6.30 in the am. It was the first day as a member of the MDT Media team. It was pretty cool, didn't really do much but Joseph walked me through it. The weekend's high light was meeting Nate of Fourth Line Films. He's pretty cool.We spent the better part of Sunday afternoon with Nate for a session on doc-u's. It was cool, hanging out with the team discussing, debating, sharing, critiquing and finally creating mini doc-u's in a matter of minutes and understanding the story telling element in film production. That realisation took me to another level yesterday. I began to re-evaluate myself, my priorities in life, the here and now; where i want to go, where i need to be and how i need to get there.
Let's say it was a weekend that lived up to it's name, God spoke to me in it!!!
Let's kick start the week with the fury it deserves!!!!

Here we are again!

2008-04-22T00:31:00.000-07:00

This is the second day, technically the third day of the second last week of April. We are growing older and we need to be more inspired and self motivated. A very cliche start to the day, but I guess it needs to be said. This past weekend was literally revolved around movies saying one thing, Live your life to the fullest and bring out the best that you can really be....or just die in misery, self pity and regret. "The bucket list" A well written and perfectly cast movie. Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson brought the message out loud and clear. I have to admit that my reading hit a go slow at the beginning of the year, but the first book that i kick started the year with was worth the while. " The Pilgrimage" By Paul Coehlo a must read. It's the tale of the secrets to fightig the good fight called life, understanding how you can learn from the challenges that come into your life and the power of facing your fears head on for the bigger victory in the fight we call life!

I can't omit the fact that spirituality has also played a key role in changing my outlook on life. The power of depending on God has proved to be a relief and an experience in itself. I am scared, but not alone and with a single prayer things tend to turn out ok! Live this week with inspiration and purpose, cause that's how we are meant to live everyday anyway!

Godspeed in your good fight!

What's with the Sleep?

2008-02-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

So it's the 7th week of the year, chic has plans, chic has no psyche. I'm just tired and i constantly want to sleep. Then i get a phone call from an enthusiastic friend this morning who believes in me not to fail, not to back down. to keep going. I would love to all this but I've just lost the willpower to do it. I am so lazy and so tired i want to cry. I joined a gym, but alas i still have no enthusiasm, i feel dead. I really believe i need to go to church this Sunday or i am done for, for another week. I believe it is spiritual fatigue. Lord help me today , i have a brain storming meeting, not like my brain has been working at all.

I am tired even typing this...need to go and get some spiritual juice, i am spiritually void!

Write-a-thon 2008

2008-02-14T00:39:00.000-08:00

So here I am dandy and good to go. Have fumbled around and now i have opted to take the plunge and wake up earlty be at work and use the comp while i am raising enough cash to buy a computer to use at home. I have entered myself into essay competitions i pray to God i'll complete. Then there is a movie script for a short film that i am meant to be working on. Insanity and burn out are about to hit me but need to keep at it and find ways of rejuvenating myself.
so here we are again! I have nothnig deep and prfound to say and all i can think of is how can i revamp this blog to make it more than just my online diary. Probabalya scrap book or an activists site in the making, i have no clue.
Eureka.................the need for urbanisation is here. the launch of an idea and a campaign.............re-build Kenya.Not quite enthusiatic and get up and go, but ia m working on it i am. Trying to start somewhere. Heck even Koffi Annan started somewhere.

Fresher than Fresh!!

2007-11-25T20:23:00.000-08:00

It is a new week, the last week of the 2nd last month of the year! I feel great , i feel released. Released from their bondage of frustration and uncertainty! Prayed this weekend and rested, finished a book, getting started on another one. As always, reading "Condi: The Condolezza Rice Story" was inspiring and provocative. Made me realise, rather reaffirm that true success comes with sacrifice. That isn't anything new, but there's one element that i always over look. I love my sleep more than i love utilising the early hours of the day that the Good Lord gave me to do what i need to do to improve myself!
There's something that caught my ear yesterday evening when i was watching "Judging Amy", Vincent, the guy acting as Amy's brother the writer was in a correctional facility trying to get some talented writing prisoners to keep at what they do best! They expressed frustration in keeping at writing, when they knew very well that no one was going to read their work! He said something really smart....he said, "write for yourselves." I know it doesn't sound like much, but that statement meant alot to me! Here I am a writer by profession, but i have completely lost inspiration, what people would refer to as suffering from writers block! i try my best to keep at it, but at times i have no clue as to why i should even bother! The truth is, however discouraged or how bleak things may seem, it is important to keep at what we do best, even though we haven't really experienced the life transforming breakthrough in our lives!
That's why i know for the time to come, i will continue to use this blog as my notebook to the world! It may be the normal rants and raves of any other person. But the passion that exudes from me with every word i type, is my expression, is my contribution to the world of opinion and thought! I just believe that this is my answer to being! Being who i am, who I was and are yet to be and see!
It is a new day, the end of a month....the power is in the word that i print today, not necessarily to you, but it is to me!
The pleasure in having this site, is the comfort and fulfillment that it accords to me, without prejudice or favour!

I am in love with what i do, for the first time, i can genuinely say this, without a flinch or doubt in my heart or mind!

Am I making a big mistake?

2007-11-21T01:41:00.001-08:00

The past couple of days have been a tussle! A tussle of sleep and excessive sleep, laziness, lack of self motivation and will! lack of purpose and a constant query.....why in the world am I here! It has nothing to do with finances at this point, it is the emotional crap and weird relationships that i am falling in to! It is so freaking messed up!
After what i have experienced this week, relationships of any kind seem to be repelling, literally re-igniting my initial fear of commitment and a strong disinterest in any form of committed relationship! It has sparked a burning immediacy for me to fight for myself, stand my ground, and fight for me, my progression in career and academia. I need to go back to school, i want to go back to school, and i need to care for what is important for me, fulfill my destiny, reach out to my dreams!
i have also realised and come to appreciate the significance of faith in my life, the purpose of human inadequacies to bring out the necessity of God, the supreme, spiritual being in our lives, who curves our lives in the direction that they are meant to be!
I am happy single, i have clearer mind to see what is urgent and what is important in my life! I am scared, scarred and cold! But one thing that i do know is that I need to choose what's best for me regardless of how scary it is! I know my thoughts are incoherent right now, but my spirit is right on track with where I am headed and where to be!
The time is now to listen to the Almighty and follow his lead................now i understand why they call it a LEAP of faith! cause right now i need a Ben Johnson leap to start this phase of my life!

Life is..............the decisions we make!

2007-11-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

Every day i wake up and go through a new experience, i realise that there are some things that i will never be taught! They are just the lessons that are there for each one of us to learn from! I am at cross roads....in career, academia and future. Just a back and forth tussle on how to priorotize things in my life to make sure that each day i wake, i am making the right and only step that will take me to where i am destined to be. Or so i think i am destined to be......what the almight had destined them to be!That becomes the tricky part! A hard one to beat!

I hate being uncertain, it irritates me , i like being in control ( control freak i know) , knowing where i am headed and my destination. I get stuff all figured out, come to terms with the eventualities then something always comes up and tosses me into a state of discomfort and haziness! I keep going through that phases in a back and forth motion! I guess such is life!
The eventualities of life is such!

Here comes November!!!!

2007-11-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

So here we are another month and the year is ending!!! Nothing new, I am slackening and warming up to complacency, eating messed up food that is screwing with my digestive system, life is great!
Things just get more intriguing at work each and every other day,I have a report that is ridiculously long overdue and i have no clue where to start! So here is the booster, the next time you think that working your ass off for some one's dream at your own expense is the road to comfort, look at our parents who believed in government and a "reliable"pension package to cruise through retirement!
I just realised that I talk too much, and I am really scared to make life changing decisions! I just wish i could scream and zap out of being an adult to a child, but this time i will agree to do what i am told, have decisions made for me and blame all the bad outcomes on my parents poor judgement! Shame it doesn't work that way......

There's no place like home!

2007-10-29T03:03:00.000-07:00

I know, you can't get more creative than that?! The wizard of Oz?!!! I am not clicking my heels together and closing my eyes! "there's no place like home! there's no place like home." My feelings the past couple of months have been the complete opposite, anything to do with family made my skin crawl,no offense, but i think it happens to all of us. You just feel you need a break from the pressure of family, especially when it's been mixed messages of approval and dismissal. It just get's taxing at some point, just needed to wooossssaaaaahhh!!!
Well after hanging out with family on Sunday and just opening up to each other, sharing of the rough experiences together, that life tosses our way, and encouraging each other, it was like a huge breath of fresh air was blown in to my lungs. It just kicked satrted my week on a great tone. Well till i screwed it up by sleeping at 1am, considering that i needed to up at 5am to be at work on time to finish some of my own work!It has been a great day so far, Ashley is back and it is super duper. The picture seems complete with her around!
There are friends who are like family and and Ashley is just one of the few, she's wild and crazy but she is just the perfect gift of friendship that any human being could ever ask for! After all is said and done,you love them you hate them, family is here to stay, the annoying brothers, obnoxious sisters and startling and annoying cousins, a non nonsense Dad, a cuddly and militant mother. They come in all varieties and traits. They are all we have, they are the only people on the planet who will genuinely accept you as you are!
A toast to family!
Lacheim!

Gonads rule!!!

2007-10-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

We live in a world that celebrates misogyny, caresses and envelopes nudity and adores infidelity! Welcome to the 21st century where it is all about a perceived perfection! The "perfect" spouse, house, car, mind blowing orgasms and everythng else! we are controlled by our hormones, it has reached a point that anytime you state the fact that you won't be going home in the evening it is perceived to be some sexual binge! I mean who would ever have thought that you are just going to spend the night at a friends house to.........I don't know......maybe just catch up, talk , watch a couple of movies, laugh! The mundane stuff!

I was caught up in a conversation last Friday that got me wondering which world it is that i have been cased in! Maybe you may know about it maybe not, but there have been several cases of local university chapters that have ladies (for the sake of being polite, but they don't quite fit the profile) busy having photos of their vaginas taken with their consent, evidently with them smiling at the cameras being sent around. It is becoming so normal that these same "ladies" actually take their time to go through and compare pictures of their gonads! Please explain to me why they are called private parts in the first place..i know there has been the "Vagina monologues" but damn! There is celebrating femininity, but that's just self degradation! What i realised is that we are living in a new age where self respect and dignity is a dying commodity, no regard for life or privacy! That's why we rape, we kill, we have sex with no regard!
Don't get me wrong sex is a wonderful thing, it is God made for crying out loud, but we can't let sexual desires dictate our thought and action cycles. Not that I'm mary Magdalene of course, but physical and psychological restraint is required! We don't need sex, if we did need it like food, even new borns would be having it as well!!!

I am not here to dictate what you should or shouldn't do, choice is a personal obligation, just remember the basis on which you make those choices, i believe that in most cases due to lack of proper recreational stress releaving outlets, we are using sex as a form of release, escapism from what is really plaguing us all!!!

Studies show that increased sexual drive or repeated masturbation and such may be as a result of stress or depression. I am no sexpert, i just got this from a Psychologist who spent most of his life doing this, if i am not wroing it was one Sigmund Freud! Or someother deep and profound person!

The long and short of it all is, do i want or need to have sex, and if i do need it,what's buring inside me to the point that i really got to have it! If it's just acting on the visual, forget it! You don't need it!!!

Bees....................busy?!

2007-10-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

Another day!!!!
Bbeen a while sine i last said something!I am ok,this past weekend has been a back and forth tussle of emotions , trying to put my priorities into perspective! I am better now, focused, enjoying some Michael Jackson in the background and reading a great book, "Dispatches from the Edge" by Anderson Cooper, and awesome read! Being anti- social is the coolest thing ever, at times! Just allows time to reflect!
I was talking to a work mate who fled her desk to come sit next to me on the 3rd floor to play solitaire only to ask me how i landed doing what i was doing here! Then i thought about it, my cousin came and we got talking and it more or less threw are harder punch to my gut! I need to get back into the light of conventional writing some more!!!
Seriously!!! Need to get to work!

Well..........

2007-10-08T06:22:00.000-07:00

This is week 2 of work, a rare, sane day. Was quite peaceful i have to admit...........Hmmm!!! Peaceful, that is not quite the word i would normally use to describe my work place. But it has been, either that, or just that i did have a peaceful and relaxed weekend!! No drama, just reflection and focus!! The way to go!

So be deep and profound, you know on Friday i was wiped out and there i was babbling the evening away with some new aquaintances, i did feel better though. I guess i have reached a point in time that i have realised that inorder to be comfortable you need to learn how to make yourself comfortable. That is just how the universe works, cause you won't always be in a comfortable environment. As i grow older there are more and more things that i encounter that make me want to retreat in my shell of comfort and never have to deal with. But if you always curl up into a ball of comfort and wish away circumstances, you will be stagnant from then onwards. We have to learn to bear the brunt of experience and circumstance positively to bring the best out of us. I am still learning the intricacies of life...but so far.......I can say there is more to celebrate than there is to whine about!

And we are done......

2007-10-05T02:21:00.000-07:00

Another week is over, it is just the first week of employment and it is already a drag trying to get myself out of bed everyday.I have been quite low, Jay says the change in time zones can tend to screw you over cause i had already started adjusting to their time. Could be true, i am not quite sure, i should be happy that things are looking up, but i just seem so agitated all the time. Apprehensive and all!!!
I spent a good fraction of the morning while i was dressing up sending a mental email to a presidential aspirant. I even came up with a whole chain of conversations with the dude, to the point that i would have meetings face to face, after he realised that i did have alot to offer and he wanted to meet me in person. i know, chic grow up!!! I do that alot start imagining and i drift off to some very far off tangents in less than 5 minutes. Tried accessing the site.................maybe i will, maybe i won't! I don't know. I am just going through a phase, looking for cheap thrills!!!

So yeah!

2007-10-03T01:32:00.000-07:00

Once again another day. No enthusiasm at all, just overwhelming loathe for any form of family at the moment. I just want absolute solitude, no contact, no pressure, just me, my music and my books. Soaring in to the world of fiction and just sail into oblivion.
i just feel pressure in all elements of the word, i need a break. I hoped to have one when i left but i didn't. I just want to vanish for a couple of days, maybe us moving out and living on our own is a good idea after all, even though it does scare me ( my cushion is gone!). I will have the excuse to lock myself away!
I am tired, i really am !!!!

Like i never left

2007-10-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

So this was my first day at work offically. Got to work late first of all cause i really did not feel like waking up. Chilled a good fraction of the morning then finally, the afternoon came, only for work to pour in.
I am proud of myself though, i did manage to keep calm and write the scripts that i was meant to. Well i can say that it was a productive day, and i respect Ashely big time for doing all this creative work alone for over a month! let's see what tomorrow has to offer.

A Kiss of death

2007-07-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah, finally got a job, at the same place that showed me the door. Smart move? Maybe, maybe not. time will tell that. Yet to sit and fully negotiate my terms with the bossman.
Whether it was the right move or not is the big question. The price of employment in a land of capitalistim.
Need to sleep on that last statement.

Young, Fat and Bureaucratic

2007-07-17T04:57:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted today, not because i did all that i needed to do but more so because i am tired of having my every thought thwarted, by people with mixed up conceptions of what real help and effort and youth initiative is all about. Most youth groups in this country are so full of crap!
They are so capitalist in their thinking and have no idea how a single action of theirs can go a a long way. It exhausts me , the talking, long unnecessary meeting that go nowhere.What happened to having young people jumping at things to help themselves and other unfortunate young people, other than being young bureaucrats with ambitions of fat wallets and political affiliations. It is repulsive!!

Another day to my personal legend

2007-07-16T04:01:00.000-07:00

At times i honestly wish that someone else would live my life. Hold my hand. You know, someone else makes the decisions for you. I have been reading the Alchemist by Paul Coehlo. I have to admitt it is a kick in the gutt. Reality smacked in your face.
I wake up everyday knowing what it is that I need to achieve but I am scared of doing it. Then there is the MTVBase VJ search going on, the one person i think of is Trevor; the show host of The Lick, he does an awesome job at it. I know I can be as good as he is, I just can't seem to shake off my nerves. I just don't know how I lost it , but back in my hgh school days i owned the stage, the stage was my life, dancing, signing and acting. I have been away from the limelight for quite a while and i just do not know how to shake it off. Most of the time, I know that for a fact my personality and my destiny is going to be in the public eye, but i also want to stay away from public scrutiny! Silly huh?!
I need to live and be free to be me; who I am to be..God help me!